Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.
And we’re back!
After a couple of weeks spent hiding under the Southern European sun, Declassified is here, ready to pick up where we left off. And if 2024 went out with a bang, it seems that 2025 has started playing the same tune.
Europe will soon have to deal with yet another unexpected election, this time in Germany — remember Germany? The strong and stable powerhouse of the EU, where the biggest political scandal used to be a defense minister forced to resign after being found to have copied parts of his university doctorate? How things have changed …
Never to be outdone by other leaders’ chaotic energy, the incoming President of the United States Donald Trump keeps telling the world that he has discovered a new passion for northern territories, and because of that, he should definitely be allowed to buy Greenland. Or force Denmark to hand it over through economic sanctions, or even take it by force, whichever is easiest. Nothing to see here, just a regular democratic leader asking another democratic nation to give up a part of their country, or else. Stay classy, Donny.
On a more somber note, the big news of the week comes from France, where a — shall we say slightly controversial — political figure passed away: Former President of the National Front (now National Rally) and Holocaust-denial enthusiast Jean-Marie Le Pen died on Tuesday.
Declassified would like to remember him for his lovely relationship with his daughters — one stopped talking to him altogether, the other kicked him out of the family party — his carefully worded public statements of which there are too many examples to cite here; we recommend a stroll down the Wikiquote lane to relive these precious memories; but more than anything else, for inheriting and living in a mansion in the western suburbs of Paris that Napoleon III had originally built for his own chief of staff. What a life.
And finally, across the Channel, British Prime Minister Keir Starmer has had to defend himself against Elon Musk’s very sophisticated political attacks about grooming gangs and sex abuse cases. Keir the Tame was hoping 2025 would set off as “a year of rebuilding,” though his first mistake was cutting that toboggan ride line in Madeira while on holiday. We all know that if there’s one thing Brits won’t forgive, it’s mishandling a proper queue.
With a first week of the year like that, we can expect great things from the next 51. Buckle up, everyone!
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“You’ll never guess what I’m hiding in here, Father”
Can you do better? Email us at gpoloni@politico.eu or get in touch on X @POLITICOEurope.
Last year we gave you this photo:
Thanks for all the entries. Here’s the best from our postbag — there’s no prize except for the gift of laughter, which I think we can all agree is far more valuable than cash or booze.
“When they said you’d be plugging into innovation, you didn’t think they meant this literally.” by Katrijn Loncke.
