But perhaps von der Leyen is instead planning a major overhaul, bringing in some big names and making some off-the-wall choices. Declassified found a new list of nominees and portfolios written on a discarded napkin outside the EXKi on Schuman roundabout. It reveals a hitherto unseen fun side to von der Leyen. Here’s some of her thinking …
Commissioner for tech: Elon Musk
Pros: Large social media presence. Commission away days could be held in space.
Cons: Batshit crazy. Once live-tweeted himself taking a shit, which would be awkward on the 13th floor of the Berlaymont.
Commissioner for health: Didier Raoult
Pros: Controversial French doctor’s advocacy for alternative treatments for Covid would save a lot of money on vaccines. Less odd than Thierry Breton.
Cons: Quite a lot of people might die.
Commissioner for economic stability: Liz Truss
Pros: Experience running a (former) major country. Would only need paying for a few weeks before flaming out.
Cons: Might clash with Slovenian nominee Marta Kos, whose surname sounds like a type of lettuce.
Commissioner for hunting (especially wolves): Juan Carlos
Pros: As a former king of Spain, has strong diplomatic ties. There’s photographic evidence of him in front of dead animals.
Cons: Having a commissioner who has slaughtered an elephant might not play well with the “woke” young people.
Commissioner for crisis management: József Szájer
Pros: Ex-Hungarian MEP fled a Brussels lockdown orgy along a drainpipe with a backpack containing narcotics, showing an ability to think on his feet (and back). Appointment would annoy Viktor Orbán.
Cons: None. Hire this man immediately.