First there’s ICE Man, played by an actual superhero, Dean Cain (who portrayed Superman in “Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman” in the 1990s). Cain revealed that he has joined US Immigration and Customs Enforcement (better known as ICE) to support Donald Trump’s anti-immigration agenda. Cain recently made headlines for calling the latest Superman film “woke,” after its director described the character as an immigrant. Superman was of course born on the planet Krypton and his birth name was Kal-El, so he’d be exactly the sort of person ICE would be looking to deport.
Next to join the group is poor old Matthew Whelan, who is now officially known as “The King Of Ink Land King Body Art The Extreme Ink-Ite” — which makes that time Prince changed his name into a symbol seem as adventurous as calling your child Olivia or David. He is the U.K.’s most-tattooed man (and if you’ve been to the British coast when the temperature has topped 15 degrees in the past couple of years, you’ll know that’s quite the claim).
Anyway, the King Of Ink Land (etc etc) is having terrible trouble accessing online porn (do they make non-online porn these days? Answers on a postcard) because the facial recognition technology some sites use, thanks to the U.K.’s new digital rules, mistakes his heavily tattooed face for a mask.
The King Of (yada-yada-yada) was also once refused a passport because of his inappropriate name. Government departments get a lot of flak, yet that seems like an excellent decision — but it does surely provide the King (and so forth) with the requisite chip on the shoulder to make him part of the Fanatic Four.
Now, this group clearly needs an element of mystery, so step forward the man who lit his cigarette at the Unknown Soldier War Memorial in Paris! So incensed was Interior Minister Bruno Retailleau at footage of the Moroccan-born man lighting his cigarette on the flame of the memorial, which is under the Arc de Triomphe, that he promised to strip him of his French residency permit.
The addition of this rule-breaking human torch is clearly going to create inter-group tension with ICE Man (and that’s tension within a group, not those weird intergroups in the European Parliament! Side-note: There used to be a kangaroo intergroup in the Parliament, set up to deal with free movement in the EU rather than marsupials).