Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.
How many versions of Malta’s Nationalist Party anthem does one person need? No need to respond to that question because the answer is six.
Yes, that’s how many versions of the anthem you can get your hands on if you pony up just €500 to the party for a limited-edition vinyl. It’s not clear from the advertising what the six versions are, but Declassified’s best guess is Original, Dub, Chill, Trance, Acoustic and a Hip-Hop version with a verse from Snoop Dogg (who will do anything if you pay him).
The anthem, in case you were on the fence about buying the LP — that stands for long play and not life partner, for the benefit of any young readers — is called “Sbejħa Patrija” (or Beautiful Fatherland) and is about as rousing as you’d expect from a song with that title.
Alas, it won’t be played at the Great American State Fair, a series of concerts in Washington this June and July, celebrating the life and times of U.S. President Donald Trump — or maybe it’s the 250th anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence, it’s hard to tell.
The lineup is an absolute who’s not who of musical talent: There’s Vanilla Ice (or maybe it’s just some ICE officers eating custard); Bret Michaels, who won a season of “Celebrity Apprentice” and is also the singer of hair-metal band Poison; and Milli Vanilli, who famously didn’t sing their own songs and aren’t American (oh, and one of them is dead).
What year was this bill put together, 1988? Also, has Trump become so toxic that even Kid Rock isn’t showing up?
The list of performers very quickly got even shorter, with funk-rock band Morris Day & The Time saying, “it’s a no from me,” despite being announced as part of the celebration lineup.
In addition to the musical, er, delights on offer, there is of course the cage-fighting event taking place at the White House on June 14. The arena’s construction began this week, turning the pristine South Lawn into a red-white-and-blue circus.
On the fight card are Russian President Vladimir Putin vs. Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy, European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen vs. High Representative Kaja Kallas, and U.K. Prime Minister Keir Starmer vs. Himself.
CAPTION COMPETITION
“Bomb Iran. Do it now! Let’s wipe those suckers out.”
“Sir, this is a McDonald’s.”
Can you do better? Email us at [email protected] or get in touch on X @POLITICOEurope.
Last time, we gave you this photo:
Thanks for all the entries. Here’s the best one from our mailbag — there’s no prize except the gift of laughter, which I think we can all agree is far preferable to cash or booze.
“You didn’t get a medal, na na na na na!”
by Colin Williams