Brussels
Where: Belgian capital, home of the EU institutions, NATO and fully functioning bureaucracy. No need to ask the city’s government for permission as there isn’t one.
Pros: Many office buildings in the European Quarter are empty as staffers are in Provence until September. Trump and Putin could have their photo taken next to the statue of King Leopold II.
Cons: It’s a hellhole. Trump could accidentally order filet Américain, thinking it’s a burger.
Snake Island
Where: Island in the Black Sea (also known as Zmiinyi Island).
Pros: Easy to get to for Zelenskyy. The “Snake Island Accord” sounds cool.
Cons: Could be mistaken for Snake Island off the coast of Brazil (Ilha da Queimada Grande), which also has actual snakes on it. In a display of defiance in February 2022, a Ukrainian soldier told the Russian warship that came to attack them: “Go fuck yourself.” Putin might remember that. Lack of quality accommodation as the Russians bombed it.
UFC Fight Night Doha
Where: Ultimate Fighting Championship mixed martial arts event, to be held in Qatar in November.
Pros: Easy for Trump to get to because the Qataris gave him a plane. UFC boss Dana White is close with Trump, with the White House to host a UFC event as part of next year’s July 4 celebrations. Also good for Infantino (if he gets involved) thanks to the close relationships he built there during the 2022 World Cup. Adding Zelenskyy vs. Putin (with Trump as special guest referee) to the card would be must-see TV.
Cons: Few involved are massive fans of democracy.
Four Seasons Total Landscaping
Where: Philadelphia groundskeeping business situated between a sex shop and a crematorium whose parking lot was inadvertently used by former Trump lawyer Rudy Giuliani for a press conference.
Pros: Has experience hosting high-profile events. On-site parking.
Cons: Could easily be mistaken for the city’s Four Seasons hotel (as seemingly happened to Giuliani).
Death Star
Where: Space station and superweapon featured in the Star Wars franchise.
Pros: Seriously cool optics. In exchange for giving back all of the occupied territory in Ukraine, Putin could be given a planet such as Tatooine or Dagobah.
Cons: Difficult transport links. Was almost completely destroyed by the Rebel Alliance (although wreckage remains). Fictional (although that could appeal to Putin and Trump).
CAPTION COMPETITION
“French president shortly before being attacked by a giant tube of toothpaste.”
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Last week, we gave you this photo:
Thanks for all the entries. Here’s the best one from our mailbag — there’s no prize except the gift of laughter, which I think we can all agree is far preferable to cash or booze.
“Listen, we’re not trying to mask anything with this chart.”
by Filippo La Verghetta