Alright, what we really watched was a 30-second video of Melania Trump skillfully giving her husband an awkward air kiss while protected by her incredible accessory of choice — a hat. Not just any hat, but a Carmen Sandiego-inspired, flying saucer-size, eye-covering piece of art that created the most strategically effective buffer zone of modern political history: around Doland Trump’s lips.
It’s likely he didn’t notice. The whole day was a giant wet kiss to Trump, and if there’s one thing Donny the Menace loves, it’s himself. I mean, check out his phone wallpaper. A Pulitzer-prize deserving photographer managed to sneak a pic of Trump on his mobile while the poster-in-chief was sitting in the car on his way to the inauguration. The wallpaper is, of course, his own face. Stay classy, Donny!
Speaking of classy, the crème de la crème of European far-right politicians showed up to represent the Old Continent. And they did not disappoint: Former U.K. Prime Minister and woman-who-should-have-definitely-eaten-her-greens Liz Truss was in town — oddly cosplaying as Paddington Bear; while Italy’s strongwoman Giorgia Meloni and Argentina’s angriest haircut Javier Milei were spotted having a great time in the background.
Reform UK’s Nigel Farage, French Reconquête’s Éric Zemmour and Trump’s British alter ego Boris Johnson also made the list. But the biggest fashion statement of the day — worthy of Bernie Sanders’ mittens — came from Senator John Fetterman, who showed up wearing gym shorts on a day when the weather forecast was “too cold to care whether we’re talking Celsius or Fahrenheit.”
Declassified would like to thank him for dressing up for the event and for representing all Cold-Weather Shorts Guys in the country. Thank you for your service, sir.
CAPTION COMPETITION
“That moment when you realize your wife made the smart choice by staying home and you wonder if leaving the party after 10 minutes is rude.”
