Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.
American comedian and late-night host Jimmy Kimmel is officially an Italian citizen — and it’s all his grandmother’s fault.
“She used to repeat to me, ‘You have the brain of a hamster!’” Kimmel reminisced while hosting an Italian Republic Day event in Los Angeles in June, speaking to an audience of Italian-Americans who probably add butter to their cacio e pepe. Apparently, that perfect example of motherly love was enough to convince him to apply for an Italian passport — that and U.S. President Donald Trump, of course.
Kimmel later confirmed to comedian Sarah Silverman that his decision came in response to Donny the Menace’s reelection. Desperate to find a way out of a country helmed by a strong authoritarian and a hard-right government harboring anti-immigration tendencies and nationalist views, he chose one where the political situation is … exactly the same — except Italian Prime Minister Giorgia Meloni is a woman and not an octogenarian.
And so it was through the miracle of ius sanguinis — citizenship by bloodline — that Kimmel’s nonna paved the way for his transatlantic transformation. One small stack of bureaucratic paperwork later, Jimmy is now Giacomo.
Speaking of ius sanguinis and comedians, Rosie O’Donnell is hoping to follow in Giacomo’s footsteps, having applied for Irish citizenship through descent after moving there in January. The Donald seems seriously bothered by the decision, threatening to revoke her U.S. passport in response — you know, like any mature, level-headed statesman.
Kimmel and O’Donnell aren’t the only celebrities making the jump either: Comedian Ellen DeGeneres and her wife, actress Portia de Rossi, recently confirmed they, too, found a safe haven on the other side of the pond — in the U.K. “Everything is just better … people are polite,” DeGeneres said of the country where political figures like Nigel Farage and Tommy Robinson increase the civility of the national political discourse every day.
Given all these unsolicited VIP arrivals, the EU will soon need to create a new role: the Commissioner for Debunking EU Stereotypes for U.S. Migrants.
The Irish will be asked to scientifically prove there are no pots of gold hidden in the woods, and that there’s more to Irish cuisine than potatoes. While Italians will have to explain that no, no one calls it “marinara sauce,” and no, “pasta alfredo” is not a thing. Never has been. Never will be. (And that’s a lot to ask of a country that just got over the trauma of “House of Gucci.” Please, let us heal.)
But after all the trade wars and more-or-less terrible deals of the last few months, we can all rejoice in knowing that TV stars are the one U.S. export tariffs will never touch — whether Europe wants them or not.
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Thanks for all the entries. Here’s the best one from our mailbag — there’s no prize except the gift of laughter, which I think we can all agree is far preferable to cash or booze.
“Beware of burning your candle at both ends.”
by Evert Friberg