You may have read reports about an interstellar object hurtling through your solar system. Well, that’s where I work with my fellow alien explorers, on board 3I/ATLAS. I know, I know, it’s a rubbish name. We wanted to call it Spacey McSpaceface but we couldn’t get approval from the Space Council in time. The leader of the planet 55 Cancri e is a skeptic, a bit like your Viktor Orbán but with three heads, and wouldn’t sign off on the name change.
I digress. My name is Martin and I’m an alien. And my colleagues were planning to invade Earth around November. That timing is down to a couple of reasons; first, that’s when we’ll be in the best position to strike; and second, we’re growing mustaches to fit in with your Movember custom of not shaving.
We have already made contacts on Earth. We spent a long time talking to a guy called Elon Musk (sweetly, he named his son X Æ A-12, which is the most common name in the Andromeda Galaxy where I was born) but he’s been acting strangely of late, so we’ve backed off a bit.
We also have aliens living among you on your planet. Donald Trump is one of ours, though I did warn him not to have the same hue as the people on his home planet KELT-4 A b (one of the orange gas giants). Mind you, Trump has been very successful in implementing our mission of destabilizing global trade. Oh, and the locusts in Ukraine are ours too (many extraterrestrials eat them topped with mayonnaise, like the Belgians do).
Alas, not all our spies on your planet have integrated so successfully; our Liz Truss robot droid had to be recalled because it was malfunctioning. We also infiltrated something called the European Committee of the Regions because it sounded important, but it turns out that was a mistake.
However, our entire plan could be destroyed, as I see you humans are mobilizing a powerful force, a meeting of minds that could protect the planet from even the most capable fighting force in the universe: Katy Perry and Justin Trudeau. She’s already been in space this year to keep watch on alien lifeforms, and he once called Trump’s trade war “very dumb.” In our language — which is a bit like Luxembourgish — “very dumb” is the highest form of insult.